Mirlene Santos

Tag: sex

  • What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    Many people search online asking:

    “Why can’t I perform in bed?”
    “Why do I feel anxious during sex?”
    “Why does this keep happening even when I want intimacy?”

    Performance anxiety during sex is far more common than most people realise — and it can affect people of all genders, ages, and relationship stages.

    It can be confusing and distressing, especially when desire is present but the body does not respond as expected.

    What is performance anxiety?

    Performance anxiety occurs when sexual experiences become dominated by worry, pressure, or fear of failure.

    Instead of being present in the moment, the mind becomes focused on:

    • whether the body will respond
    • whether you are pleasing your partner
    • fear of losing arousal
    • fear of judgement or disappointment

    This anxiety activates the body’s stress response — the opposite state needed for sexual arousal.

    Why anxiety affects sexual response

    Sexual arousal requires relaxation, safety, and blood flow.

    When anxiety is present, the nervous system moves into fight-or-flight mode, redirecting blood flow away from sexual organs and toward survival functions.

    This means the issue is not lack of desire — but a physiological stress response.

    The more someone tries to “make it work,” the more pressure increases, and the cycle can continue.

    Common causes of performance anxiety

    1. Fear of failure

    Past experiences of difficulty, embarrassment, or disappointment can create ongoing fear that the same thing will happen again.

    Even one experience can be enough for anxiety to develop.

    2. Negative sexual messages

    Cultural expectations, unrealistic media portrayals, pornography, or early messages about sex can create beliefs such as:

    • “I must always perform”
    • “I should always be ready”
    • “Something is wrong if my body doesn’t respond”

    These beliefs increase pressure and self-criticism.

    3. Relationship stress

    Conflict, emotional distance, unresolved resentment, or fear of disappointing a partner can directly affect sexual confidence.

    4. Spectatoring

    This occurs when someone mentally “steps outside” the experience and monitors themselves instead of being present.

    Thoughts such as:

    • “Am I doing this right?”
    • “Is it working?”
    • “What if I fail again?”

    pull attention away from sensation and intimacy.

    5. Past relational or sexual trauma

    Previous experiences of betrayal, criticism, rejection, or trauma can impact the body’s sense of safety during intimacy — even when there is no conscious fear.

    6. Stress, fatigue, alcohol, or lifestyle factors

    Work stress, exhaustion, alcohol use, and physical health can all affect arousal and confidence, especially when combined with anxiety.

    Why reassurance alone doesn’t fix it

    Many people are told:
    “Just relax.”
    “Don’t think about it.”
    “It’s all in your head.”

    Unfortunately, these statements often increase shame.

    Performance anxiety is not about willpower — it is about understanding how the mind, body, and emotions interact.

    How psychosexual therapy can help

    Psychosexual therapy provides a safe, verbal, and non-judgmental space to explore:

    • anxiety and pressure around performance
    • beliefs about sex and masculinity/femininity
    • fear, shame, or self-criticism
    • relationship dynamics
    • attachment and emotional safety
    • ways to shift focus from performance to connection

    The work is always verbal — there is no physical touch — and is tailored to your pace and comfort.

    Many clients find that once pressure is reduced and understanding increases, confidence and responsiveness naturally improve.

    You are not broken

    Performance anxiety does not mean something is wrong with you.

    It means your nervous system is responding to pressure, fear, or past experience — and those responses can be understood and gently worked with.

    With support, many people learn to reconnect with intimacy in a way that feels calmer, more confident, and more authentic.

    If you are struggling with performance anxiety, you are not alone — and help is available.

    Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what’s really happening beneath the anxiety.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

  • Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Many couples come to therapy saying the same thing:

    “We love each other… but the desire has gone.”

    When sexual desire changes or fades in a long-term relationship, it can feel confusing, painful, and deeply personal. People often worry that something is “wrong” with them, their partner, or the relationship itself.

    In reality, changes in desire are extremely common — and rarely about lack of love or attraction.

    Desire is not constant

    One of the biggest myths about relationships is that desire should remain the same over time.

    In the early stages of a relationship, novelty, excitement, and uncertainty often fuel strong sexual energy. As relationships become safer and more familiar, desire naturally shifts. This doesn’t mean intimacy is lost — it means it changes.

    Long-term relationships ask desire to coexist with routine, responsibility, emotional history, and real life.

    Common reasons desire fades

    1. Emotional disconnection

    Desire often depends on emotional closeness. When communication becomes strained, resentment builds, or conflicts remain unresolved, the body may respond by withdrawing sexually — even when love is still present.

    2. Stress and mental load

    Work pressure, parenting, financial worries, health concerns, and emotional exhaustion all affect desire. When the nervous system is in survival mode, sexual interest often takes a back seat.

    Desire requires space, safety, and energy — not pressure.

    3. Performance anxiety and expectation

    Over time, sex can begin to feel predictable or pressured. Thoughts such as “we should be having sex more” or “something is wrong with us” can turn intimacy into a task rather than a shared experience.

    Pressure often blocks desire rather than creating it.

    4. Attachment patterns

    For some people, closeness increases desire; for others, too much closeness can feel overwhelming. Differences in attachment styles — such as anxious and avoidant patterns — can affect how intimacy is experienced within long-term relationships.

    This often leads to cycles of pursuit and withdrawal.

    5. Changes in the body and hormones

    Hormonal changes, medication, health conditions, ageing, and life transitions can all influence libido. These are physiological experiences — not personal failures — yet many people carry unnecessary shame around them.

    Desire is responsive, not spontaneous

    Many people expect desire to appear “out of nowhere.”

    In long-term relationships, desire is often responsive, meaning it develops after connection, touch, safety, and emotional presence — not before.

    Waiting to feel desire before intimacy can sometimes keep couples stuck.

    What helps restore desire

    Desire rarely returns through pressure or forcing change. Instead, it grows through:

    • emotional safety
    • curiosity rather than blame
    • open communication
    • slowing down intimacy
    • shifting focus from performance to connection
    • understanding each partner’s experience

    Psychosexual therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics safely, verbally, and respectfully — without physical touch — helping couples and individuals understand what may be blocking desire and how intimacy can be rebuilt in a way that feels authentic.

    Desire changing does not mean the relationship has failed

    Loss of desire does not mean you have chosen the wrong partner or that intimacy is over.

    Often, it is an invitation to understand yourselves — and each other — more deeply.

    With support, many couples discover new ways of connecting that feel more honest, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling than before.

    If you are experiencing changes in desire within your relationship, you are not alone — and support is available.

    Sometimes, desire doesn’t disappear.
    It simply needs understanding, safety, and space to return.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

      https://www.instagram.com/mirlene_santos_therapy?igsh=eGZqaWZhZXB6eDg0&utm_source=qr

    • Is It Normal to Fantasise About Other People?

      Is It Normal to Fantasise About Other People?

      Fantasies are a natural, healthy part of our inner world — even when we’re in loving, committed relationships. But if you’ve ever had a fleeting (or recurring) sexual thought about someone else and felt confused, ashamed, or even guilty, you’re not alone.

      In my work as a counsellor and psychosexual therapist, clients often whisper this question with a mix of curiosity and anxiety:

      “Does this mean something’s wrong with me… or my relationship?”

      Let’s explore this gently, together.

      Fantasies Are Not Commitments

      Fantasies are part of our imagination. They often live in the realm of possibility, curiosity, or play — not necessarily desire for real-life action. Thinking about someone else doesn’t mean you want to leave your partner, cheat, or change your values.

      Our brains are storytellers. We can create vivid scenarios that excite, challenge, or even comfort us — especially in moments of boredom, stress, or low desire. And they don’t always mean something deeper is missing.

      What Fantasies Might Be Saying

      While not all fantasies need decoding, sometimes they reflect emotional or relational needs we haven’t fully named, like:

      Wanting to feel desired or powerful

      Craving novelty or adventure

      Longing for more emotional closeness

      Feeling unacknowledged or unseen in our current relationship

      This doesn’t mean your partner is doing something “wrong” — it simply means you’re human, and your mind may be trying to communicate with you in subtle ways.

      Should I Tell My Partner?

      That depends — not all thoughts need to be shared. But if fantasies are starting to affect your connection, or if you’re feeling emotionally distant or unsatisfied, it might be a gentle nudge toward an open conversation.

      You don’t need to share the fantasy itself in detail. Instead, you might say:

      “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I’d love for us to find ways to feel closer.”

      “I think I’m craving more intimacy or spontaneity — how do you feel about that?”

      Therapy can help create a safe space for these conversations, especially when vulnerability feels hard to hold alone.

      In psychosexual therapy, we explore fantasies not to pathologise them, but to understand what they may offer, reveal, or soothe. This space is confidential, non-judgmental, and affirming.

      Together, we can gently look at:

      What role fantasy plays in your sexual identity

      Whether it enhances or interferes with intimacy

      How to communicate about desire with honesty and compassion

      Fantasising about someone else doesn’t mean you’re broken, disloyal, or emotionally unavailable. It just means you’re human — with a rich, complex inner life.

      When approached with curiosity (not shame), fantasies can even become a bridge toward deeper understanding, pleasure, and connection.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      It’s one of the hardest things to say in a relationship:

      “I need more.”

      More time, more closeness, more intimacy, more touch, more reassurance.

      Not because the need is wrong — but because we’re afraid it might hurt the person we love. That they’ll hear it as:

      “You’re not enough.”

      “You’re failing.”

      “I’m not happy with you.”

      But expressing needs doesn’t have to create distance. In fact, when done with kindness and clarity, it can bring couples closer — emotionally and physically.

      Why It’s So Hard to Ask for More

      Many of us were never taught how to ask for what we need in relationships. Maybe we learned to “keep the peace,” to not “rock the boat,” or to believe that needing anything at all made us too much.

      So we stay silent. Or we drop hints. Or we let resentment slowly build until it spills out sideways — in irritation, withdrawal, or tears.

      But your needs matter. Especially in long-term relationships, where life’s routines can dull the spark or where emotional disconnection can sneak in quietly.

      Start with Your Feelings, Not Their Flaws

      When sharing something sensitive, like needing more affection or intimacy, it helps to come from your experience, not their behaviour.

      Try starting with:

      “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately…”

      “I really miss being close with you…”

      “I’ve been needing more touch, but I wasn’t sure how to say it…”

      This reduces the chance your partner will feel blamed or criticised — and invites them into the conversation rather than putting them on the defence.

      Frame It as a Team Effort

      Let your partner know that you’re in this together. You’re not pointing fingers — you’re reaching out.

      You might say:

      “I’d love for us to work on this as a couple.”

      “Is this something you’ve been feeling too?”

      “What would feel good for you when it comes to closeness or connection?”

      This opens up a two-way dialogue and shows that their needs matter too.

      What “More” Really Means

      Often, “more” isn’t just about sex or physical touch. It can mean:

      More emotional availability

      More quality time

      More presence during conversations

      More playful moments

      More verbal affection

      It’s okay to be specific. Vague requests often go unanswered — not out of neglect, but out of confusion. Being clear helps you both feel empowered.

      When Therapy Helps

      Sometimes these conversations feel too hard to start on your own — especially if there’s been a long-standing disconnect or unspoken tension. That’s where therapy can help.

      In psychosexual therapy, we create a safe, respectful space to explore intimacy, desire, emotional needs, and communication. It’s not about placing blame — it’s about understanding each other better and finding a new rhythm together.

      Final Thoughts

      Saying “I need more” is not a criticism — it’s a sign that you care enough to reach out. That you’re choosing vulnerability instead of silence.

      And that kind of honesty, when held gently, can become the foundation for deeper connection.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

      Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

      Short answer?

      Yes — but it depends on how you define intimacy, and what both of you need to feel emotionally nourished.

      What Is Intimacy?

      Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It can be emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or physical. In healthy relationships, intimacy is about connection, closeness, and feeling seen.

      Some couples thrive with little to no sexual intimacy — but they often stay connected in other meaningful ways, such as:

      Deep, open conversations

      Shared values and goals

      Emotional safety and vulnerability

      Non-sexual touch (if desired)

      Shared routines or laughter

      When intimacy fades, it often brings a sense of distance — but what kind of intimacy is missing matters.

      Are you missing sexual connection?

      Or are you craving emotional presence and closeness?

      Do you feel lonely even when your partner is beside you?

      Exploring these questions — alone or in therapy — can help you understand whether your relationship is still nurturing you, or whether something vital is missing.

      A Gentle Reminder

      You deserve a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are acknowledged, respected, and explored — at your pace, with compassion.

      ✨ Intimacy isn’t one-size-fits-all.

      With open communication, curiosity, and care, couples can redefine what closeness means to them.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      Ready to explore your relationship needs in a safe and supportive space?

      📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward emotional and relational wellbeing.

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