Mirlene Santos

Tag: intimacy

  • What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    Many people search online asking:

    “Why can’t I perform in bed?”
    “Why do I feel anxious during sex?”
    “Why does this keep happening even when I want intimacy?”

    Performance anxiety during sex is far more common than most people realise — and it can affect people of all genders, ages, and relationship stages.

    It can be confusing and distressing, especially when desire is present but the body does not respond as expected.

    What is performance anxiety?

    Performance anxiety occurs when sexual experiences become dominated by worry, pressure, or fear of failure.

    Instead of being present in the moment, the mind becomes focused on:

    • whether the body will respond
    • whether you are pleasing your partner
    • fear of losing arousal
    • fear of judgement or disappointment

    This anxiety activates the body’s stress response — the opposite state needed for sexual arousal.

    Why anxiety affects sexual response

    Sexual arousal requires relaxation, safety, and blood flow.

    When anxiety is present, the nervous system moves into fight-or-flight mode, redirecting blood flow away from sexual organs and toward survival functions.

    This means the issue is not lack of desire — but a physiological stress response.

    The more someone tries to “make it work,” the more pressure increases, and the cycle can continue.

    Common causes of performance anxiety

    1. Fear of failure

    Past experiences of difficulty, embarrassment, or disappointment can create ongoing fear that the same thing will happen again.

    Even one experience can be enough for anxiety to develop.

    2. Negative sexual messages

    Cultural expectations, unrealistic media portrayals, pornography, or early messages about sex can create beliefs such as:

    • “I must always perform”
    • “I should always be ready”
    • “Something is wrong if my body doesn’t respond”

    These beliefs increase pressure and self-criticism.

    3. Relationship stress

    Conflict, emotional distance, unresolved resentment, or fear of disappointing a partner can directly affect sexual confidence.

    4. Spectatoring

    This occurs when someone mentally “steps outside” the experience and monitors themselves instead of being present.

    Thoughts such as:

    • “Am I doing this right?”
    • “Is it working?”
    • “What if I fail again?”

    pull attention away from sensation and intimacy.

    5. Past relational or sexual trauma

    Previous experiences of betrayal, criticism, rejection, or trauma can impact the body’s sense of safety during intimacy — even when there is no conscious fear.

    6. Stress, fatigue, alcohol, or lifestyle factors

    Work stress, exhaustion, alcohol use, and physical health can all affect arousal and confidence, especially when combined with anxiety.

    Why reassurance alone doesn’t fix it

    Many people are told:
    “Just relax.”
    “Don’t think about it.”
    “It’s all in your head.”

    Unfortunately, these statements often increase shame.

    Performance anxiety is not about willpower — it is about understanding how the mind, body, and emotions interact.

    How psychosexual therapy can help

    Psychosexual therapy provides a safe, verbal, and non-judgmental space to explore:

    • anxiety and pressure around performance
    • beliefs about sex and masculinity/femininity
    • fear, shame, or self-criticism
    • relationship dynamics
    • attachment and emotional safety
    • ways to shift focus from performance to connection

    The work is always verbal — there is no physical touch — and is tailored to your pace and comfort.

    Many clients find that once pressure is reduced and understanding increases, confidence and responsiveness naturally improve.

    You are not broken

    Performance anxiety does not mean something is wrong with you.

    It means your nervous system is responding to pressure, fear, or past experience — and those responses can be understood and gently worked with.

    With support, many people learn to reconnect with intimacy in a way that feels calmer, more confident, and more authentic.

    If you are struggling with performance anxiety, you are not alone — and help is available.

    Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what’s really happening beneath the anxiety.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

  • Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Many couples come to therapy saying the same thing:

    “We love each other… but the desire has gone.”

    When sexual desire changes or fades in a long-term relationship, it can feel confusing, painful, and deeply personal. People often worry that something is “wrong” with them, their partner, or the relationship itself.

    In reality, changes in desire are extremely common — and rarely about lack of love or attraction.

    Desire is not constant

    One of the biggest myths about relationships is that desire should remain the same over time.

    In the early stages of a relationship, novelty, excitement, and uncertainty often fuel strong sexual energy. As relationships become safer and more familiar, desire naturally shifts. This doesn’t mean intimacy is lost — it means it changes.

    Long-term relationships ask desire to coexist with routine, responsibility, emotional history, and real life.

    Common reasons desire fades

    1. Emotional disconnection

    Desire often depends on emotional closeness. When communication becomes strained, resentment builds, or conflicts remain unresolved, the body may respond by withdrawing sexually — even when love is still present.

    2. Stress and mental load

    Work pressure, parenting, financial worries, health concerns, and emotional exhaustion all affect desire. When the nervous system is in survival mode, sexual interest often takes a back seat.

    Desire requires space, safety, and energy — not pressure.

    3. Performance anxiety and expectation

    Over time, sex can begin to feel predictable or pressured. Thoughts such as “we should be having sex more” or “something is wrong with us” can turn intimacy into a task rather than a shared experience.

    Pressure often blocks desire rather than creating it.

    4. Attachment patterns

    For some people, closeness increases desire; for others, too much closeness can feel overwhelming. Differences in attachment styles — such as anxious and avoidant patterns — can affect how intimacy is experienced within long-term relationships.

    This often leads to cycles of pursuit and withdrawal.

    5. Changes in the body and hormones

    Hormonal changes, medication, health conditions, ageing, and life transitions can all influence libido. These are physiological experiences — not personal failures — yet many people carry unnecessary shame around them.

    Desire is responsive, not spontaneous

    Many people expect desire to appear “out of nowhere.”

    In long-term relationships, desire is often responsive, meaning it develops after connection, touch, safety, and emotional presence — not before.

    Waiting to feel desire before intimacy can sometimes keep couples stuck.

    What helps restore desire

    Desire rarely returns through pressure or forcing change. Instead, it grows through:

    • emotional safety
    • curiosity rather than blame
    • open communication
    • slowing down intimacy
    • shifting focus from performance to connection
    • understanding each partner’s experience

    Psychosexual therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics safely, verbally, and respectfully — without physical touch — helping couples and individuals understand what may be blocking desire and how intimacy can be rebuilt in a way that feels authentic.

    Desire changing does not mean the relationship has failed

    Loss of desire does not mean you have chosen the wrong partner or that intimacy is over.

    Often, it is an invitation to understand yourselves — and each other — more deeply.

    With support, many couples discover new ways of connecting that feel more honest, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling than before.

    If you are experiencing changes in desire within your relationship, you are not alone — and support is available.

    Sometimes, desire doesn’t disappear.
    It simply needs understanding, safety, and space to return.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

      https://www.instagram.com/mirlene_santos_therapy?igsh=eGZqaWZhZXB6eDg0&utm_source=qr

    • Is Your Relationship Missing Erotica and Companionship? Here’s Why It Matters

      Is Your Relationship Missing Erotica and Companionship? Here’s Why It Matters

      When we talk about intimacy in relationships, our minds often jump to physical connection. But true intimacy runs much deeper, and two of its most crucial – yet often overlooked – elements are erotica and companionship. These two forces can make the difference between a relationship that merely survives and one that truly thrives.

      The Power of Companionship

      Companionship is the bedrock of any long-term relationship. It’s the warm familiarity that comes from sharing life’s ups and downs, being there for each other, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It’s about deep friendship, shared memories, and the comfort of knowing someone has your back.

      But even in the closest of partnerships, companionship alone can fall short if the relationship lacks a sense of erotic connection. Without it, partners can end up feeling more like roommates than lovers.

      Keeping Erotica Alive in Long-Term Relationships

      Erotica isn’t just about physical sex. It’s about the spark, the thrill, and the emotional charge that keeps a relationship alive. It’s the playful, passionate side of love – the side that whispers “I still desire you” in the midst of daily routines and long to-do lists.

      Long-term relationships often struggle to maintain this spark. Responsibilities, stress, and routine can dull even the strongest bonds. But with a little intentional effort, couples can reignite that flame and rediscover their passion for each other.

      Beyond the Bedroom

      Erotica doesn’t only live between the sheets. It’s in the small touches, the lingering glances, and the meaningful conversations that build anticipation and deepen emotional connection. It’s in the freedom to express desires, explore fantasies, and see each other through fresh eyes.

      It can also mean rediscovering the playful, uninhibited versions of ourselves – the ones who first fell in love, shared meaningful moments, and connected in ways that felt new and exciting.

      Finding the Spark Again

      For couples who feel the fire has faded, it’s never too late to reignite the spark. This can mean setting aside dedicated time for each other, trying new things together, or even seeking the guidance of a therapist to help break old patterns and rediscover the passion that first brought you together.

      Remember, a relationship without both companionship and erotic connection can lose its vibrancy and depth over time. Nurturing both elements can help couples feel more connected, satisfied, and valued in their relationships.

      Ready to Rediscover the Passion in Your Relationship?

      If you’re ready to explore how to reconnect with your partner on a deeper, more passionate level, consider booking a session with a psychosexual therapist. Psychosexual therapy can help couples rediscover intimacy, improve communication, and break unhelpful relationship patterns in a confidential and non-judgmental space.

      However, it is important to note that psychosexual therapy does not replace medical treatment. Clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or appropriate healthcare professionals for any physical or medical concerns.

      Additionally, psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy and never involves physical touch as part of treatment. This approach is based on evidence-based psychological support, ensuring the highest professional standards and boundaries for client safety.

      Remember, your relationship deserves more than just survival – it deserves to thrive.

      Written by Mirlene Santos

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      It’s one of the hardest things to say in a relationship:

      “I need more.”

      More time, more closeness, more intimacy, more touch, more reassurance.

      Not because the need is wrong — but because we’re afraid it might hurt the person we love. That they’ll hear it as:

      “You’re not enough.”

      “You’re failing.”

      “I’m not happy with you.”

      But expressing needs doesn’t have to create distance. In fact, when done with kindness and clarity, it can bring couples closer — emotionally and physically.

      Why It’s So Hard to Ask for More

      Many of us were never taught how to ask for what we need in relationships. Maybe we learned to “keep the peace,” to not “rock the boat,” or to believe that needing anything at all made us too much.

      So we stay silent. Or we drop hints. Or we let resentment slowly build until it spills out sideways — in irritation, withdrawal, or tears.

      But your needs matter. Especially in long-term relationships, where life’s routines can dull the spark or where emotional disconnection can sneak in quietly.

      Start with Your Feelings, Not Their Flaws

      When sharing something sensitive, like needing more affection or intimacy, it helps to come from your experience, not their behaviour.

      Try starting with:

      “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately…”

      “I really miss being close with you…”

      “I’ve been needing more touch, but I wasn’t sure how to say it…”

      This reduces the chance your partner will feel blamed or criticised — and invites them into the conversation rather than putting them on the defence.

      Frame It as a Team Effort

      Let your partner know that you’re in this together. You’re not pointing fingers — you’re reaching out.

      You might say:

      “I’d love for us to work on this as a couple.”

      “Is this something you’ve been feeling too?”

      “What would feel good for you when it comes to closeness or connection?”

      This opens up a two-way dialogue and shows that their needs matter too.

      What “More” Really Means

      Often, “more” isn’t just about sex or physical touch. It can mean:

      More emotional availability

      More quality time

      More presence during conversations

      More playful moments

      More verbal affection

      It’s okay to be specific. Vague requests often go unanswered — not out of neglect, but out of confusion. Being clear helps you both feel empowered.

      When Therapy Helps

      Sometimes these conversations feel too hard to start on your own — especially if there’s been a long-standing disconnect or unspoken tension. That’s where therapy can help.

      In psychosexual therapy, we create a safe, respectful space to explore intimacy, desire, emotional needs, and communication. It’s not about placing blame — it’s about understanding each other better and finding a new rhythm together.

      Final Thoughts

      Saying “I need more” is not a criticism — it’s a sign that you care enough to reach out. That you’re choosing vulnerability instead of silence.

      And that kind of honesty, when held gently, can become the foundation for deeper connection.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      mirlenesantostherapy.com