Mirlene Santos

Tag: healing

  • What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    Many people search online asking:

    “Why can’t I perform in bed?”
    “Why do I feel anxious during sex?”
    “Why does this keep happening even when I want intimacy?”

    Performance anxiety during sex is far more common than most people realise — and it can affect people of all genders, ages, and relationship stages.

    It can be confusing and distressing, especially when desire is present but the body does not respond as expected.

    What is performance anxiety?

    Performance anxiety occurs when sexual experiences become dominated by worry, pressure, or fear of failure.

    Instead of being present in the moment, the mind becomes focused on:

    • whether the body will respond
    • whether you are pleasing your partner
    • fear of losing arousal
    • fear of judgement or disappointment

    This anxiety activates the body’s stress response — the opposite state needed for sexual arousal.

    Why anxiety affects sexual response

    Sexual arousal requires relaxation, safety, and blood flow.

    When anxiety is present, the nervous system moves into fight-or-flight mode, redirecting blood flow away from sexual organs and toward survival functions.

    This means the issue is not lack of desire — but a physiological stress response.

    The more someone tries to “make it work,” the more pressure increases, and the cycle can continue.

    Common causes of performance anxiety

    1. Fear of failure

    Past experiences of difficulty, embarrassment, or disappointment can create ongoing fear that the same thing will happen again.

    Even one experience can be enough for anxiety to develop.

    2. Negative sexual messages

    Cultural expectations, unrealistic media portrayals, pornography, or early messages about sex can create beliefs such as:

    • “I must always perform”
    • “I should always be ready”
    • “Something is wrong if my body doesn’t respond”

    These beliefs increase pressure and self-criticism.

    3. Relationship stress

    Conflict, emotional distance, unresolved resentment, or fear of disappointing a partner can directly affect sexual confidence.

    4. Spectatoring

    This occurs when someone mentally “steps outside” the experience and monitors themselves instead of being present.

    Thoughts such as:

    • “Am I doing this right?”
    • “Is it working?”
    • “What if I fail again?”

    pull attention away from sensation and intimacy.

    5. Past relational or sexual trauma

    Previous experiences of betrayal, criticism, rejection, or trauma can impact the body’s sense of safety during intimacy — even when there is no conscious fear.

    6. Stress, fatigue, alcohol, or lifestyle factors

    Work stress, exhaustion, alcohol use, and physical health can all affect arousal and confidence, especially when combined with anxiety.

    Why reassurance alone doesn’t fix it

    Many people are told:
    “Just relax.”
    “Don’t think about it.”
    “It’s all in your head.”

    Unfortunately, these statements often increase shame.

    Performance anxiety is not about willpower — it is about understanding how the mind, body, and emotions interact.

    How psychosexual therapy can help

    Psychosexual therapy provides a safe, verbal, and non-judgmental space to explore:

    • anxiety and pressure around performance
    • beliefs about sex and masculinity/femininity
    • fear, shame, or self-criticism
    • relationship dynamics
    • attachment and emotional safety
    • ways to shift focus from performance to connection

    The work is always verbal — there is no physical touch — and is tailored to your pace and comfort.

    Many clients find that once pressure is reduced and understanding increases, confidence and responsiveness naturally improve.

    You are not broken

    Performance anxiety does not mean something is wrong with you.

    It means your nervous system is responding to pressure, fear, or past experience — and those responses can be understood and gently worked with.

    With support, many people learn to reconnect with intimacy in a way that feels calmer, more confident, and more authentic.

    If you are struggling with performance anxiety, you are not alone — and help is available.

    Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what’s really happening beneath the anxiety.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

  • Who Am I Now? Exploring Identity in Midlife and Relationships

    Who Am I Now? Exploring Identity in Midlife and Relationships

    There comes a moment — often quiet, sometimes sudden — when you pause and ask yourself:

    “Who am I now?”

    It might happen while staring at your reflection in the bathroom mirror, walking alone after a heated conversation, or lying awake at night with a gnawing restlessness you can’t quite name.

    Midlife can be a time of transition, reevaluation, and deep emotional questioning — especially for women navigating menopause, shifting roles, or changing dynamics in their relationships.

    This is not a breakdown.

    It’s a breakthrough.

    Identity Isn’t Fixed — It Evolves

    Many women spend decades being everything for everyone — the reliable partner, the hands-on parent, the dependable friend, the strong professional. But somewhere along the way, parts of ourselves can go quiet.

    Midlife invites those parts to speak again.

    This stage often brings with it:

    Hormonal and physical changes (like perimenopause and menopause)

    Emotional shifts (questioning long-held beliefs or values)

    Sexual identity exploration

    Changes in intimacy and desire

    Grief or letting go (of youth, past relationships, old roles)

    These are not signs of crisis. They’re signs of becoming.

    “I Don’t Recognise Myself Anymore…”

    If you’ve found yourself saying things like:

    “I used to enjoy that… why don’t I anymore?”

    “My body feels different, and so do I.”

    “I’m not sure what I want from my relationship.”

    “I’m craving something, but I don’t know what.”

    You’re not alone.

    These questions are an invitation to reconnect — not just with others, but with yourself. Therapy can offer a space where you don’t have to have all the answers. You can simply explore what’s true for you now.

    Relationships Can Shift Too

    As you change, your relationships may need to evolve too. You might find yourself:

    Wanting deeper emotional connection

    Feeling disconnected from a partner or old friends

    Exploring sexuality in new ways

    Reconsidering boundaries, values, or expectations

    This can feel unsettling — but also empowering. You’re allowed to outgrow roles or labels that no longer fit. You’re allowed to ask for more.

    In therapy, we can explore:

    Who you are today vs. who you were expected to be

    How life transitions are shaping your self-perception

    What you long for — emotionally, relationally, sexually

    How to reconnect with confidence, pleasure, and purpose

    This is your time. A time to soften into yourself, to meet the new version of you with compassion, and to say:

    “Welcome back.”

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    Written by Mirlene Santos

    mirlenesantostherapy.info

  • How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

    How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

    It’s one of the hardest things to say in a relationship:

    “I need more.”

    More time, more closeness, more intimacy, more touch, more reassurance.

    Not because the need is wrong — but because we’re afraid it might hurt the person we love. That they’ll hear it as:

    “You’re not enough.”

    “You’re failing.”

    “I’m not happy with you.”

    But expressing needs doesn’t have to create distance. In fact, when done with kindness and clarity, it can bring couples closer — emotionally and physically.

    Why It’s So Hard to Ask for More

    Many of us were never taught how to ask for what we need in relationships. Maybe we learned to “keep the peace,” to not “rock the boat,” or to believe that needing anything at all made us too much.

    So we stay silent. Or we drop hints. Or we let resentment slowly build until it spills out sideways — in irritation, withdrawal, or tears.

    But your needs matter. Especially in long-term relationships, where life’s routines can dull the spark or where emotional disconnection can sneak in quietly.

    Start with Your Feelings, Not Their Flaws

    When sharing something sensitive, like needing more affection or intimacy, it helps to come from your experience, not their behaviour.

    Try starting with:

    “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately…”

    “I really miss being close with you…”

    “I’ve been needing more touch, but I wasn’t sure how to say it…”

    This reduces the chance your partner will feel blamed or criticised — and invites them into the conversation rather than putting them on the defence.

    Frame It as a Team Effort

    Let your partner know that you’re in this together. You’re not pointing fingers — you’re reaching out.

    You might say:

    “I’d love for us to work on this as a couple.”

    “Is this something you’ve been feeling too?”

    “What would feel good for you when it comes to closeness or connection?”

    This opens up a two-way dialogue and shows that their needs matter too.

    What “More” Really Means

    Often, “more” isn’t just about sex or physical touch. It can mean:

    More emotional availability

    More quality time

    More presence during conversations

    More playful moments

    More verbal affection

    It’s okay to be specific. Vague requests often go unanswered — not out of neglect, but out of confusion. Being clear helps you both feel empowered.

    When Therapy Helps

    Sometimes these conversations feel too hard to start on your own — especially if there’s been a long-standing disconnect or unspoken tension. That’s where therapy can help.

    In psychosexual therapy, we create a safe, respectful space to explore intimacy, desire, emotional needs, and communication. It’s not about placing blame — it’s about understanding each other better and finding a new rhythm together.

    Final Thoughts

    Saying “I need more” is not a criticism — it’s a sign that you care enough to reach out. That you’re choosing vulnerability instead of silence.

    And that kind of honesty, when held gently, can become the foundation for deeper connection.

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    mirlenesantostherapy.com

  • Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

    Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

    Short answer?

    Yes — but it depends on how you define intimacy, and what both of you need to feel emotionally nourished.

    What Is Intimacy?

    Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It can be emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or physical. In healthy relationships, intimacy is about connection, closeness, and feeling seen.

    Some couples thrive with little to no sexual intimacy — but they often stay connected in other meaningful ways, such as:

    Deep, open conversations

    Shared values and goals

    Emotional safety and vulnerability

    Non-sexual touch (if desired)

    Shared routines or laughter

    When intimacy fades, it often brings a sense of distance — but what kind of intimacy is missing matters.

    Are you missing sexual connection?

    Or are you craving emotional presence and closeness?

    Do you feel lonely even when your partner is beside you?

    Exploring these questions — alone or in therapy — can help you understand whether your relationship is still nurturing you, or whether something vital is missing.

    A Gentle Reminder

    You deserve a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are acknowledged, respected, and explored — at your pace, with compassion.

    ✨ Intimacy isn’t one-size-fits-all.

    With open communication, curiosity, and care, couples can redefine what closeness means to them.

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    Ready to explore your relationship needs in a safe and supportive space?

    📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward emotional and relational wellbeing.

    🌐 mirlenesantostherapy.wordpress.com

  • Rebuilding After a Breakup: How to Heal and Restore Your Self-Worth

    Rebuilding After a Breakup: How to Heal and Restore Your Self-Worth

    Breakups can shake us to our core. When a relationship ends, it often feels like the foundation of your life has been ripped away. It’s not just the loss of a partner—it’s the loss of identity, of routine, of shared dreams. You may find yourself asking painful questions: Who am I without this relationship? Was it all my fault? Am I still lovable?

    These thoughts are normal, but they are not facts. The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of your worth. In fact, breakups can be an opportunity to reconnect with who you truly are—independent of anyone else.

    A Broken Heart Is Not a Broken Person

    When a relationship becomes central to our identity, its loss can feel like personal failure. But the pain you feel is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that you loved, invested, and cared deeply. That says something beautiful about your capacity to connect.

    Think of the breakup as a rupture, not a collapse. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t feel like your entire body had failed. You would focus on healing the broken part. Apply that same logic to your emotional well-being. What you’re experiencing now is a wound—painful, yes, but not permanent. And definitely not a definition of your worth.

    You Are Not Damaged Goods

    It’s easy to dwell on perceived failures after a breakup, but the truth is: you are still whole. You are still worthy of love, friendship, joy, and connection. You may have been hurt, but you are not broken. You may feel rejected, but that does not mean you are unlovable.

    Your story didn’t end with this relationship—a new chapter is beginning.

    Building Your Self-Worth After a Breakup

    Some people believe confidence is something you’re born with—but it can absolutely be learned. Even if you feel low right now, there are ways to begin rebuilding your sense of self. Here are five small but powerful steps:

    1. Be Kind to Yourself

    Learn what brings you joy and what matters most to you. Stop comparing yourself to others or measuring your worth through someone else’s lens.

    2. Challenge Your Inner Critic

    When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” pause and ask: Is this true? Would I say this to a friend? Replace self-judgment with self-compassion.

    3. Take Care of Your Body and Mind

    Eat nourishing food, move your body, get enough rest, and limit alcohol or other substances. These actions signal to yourself that you are worth caring for.

    4. Notice the Good

    Celebrate small wins. Accept compliments without deflecting. Make a habit of writing down one thing you like about yourself each day.

    5. Practice Assertiveness

    Don’t feel pressured to say yes to everything. Check in with yourself first. Building boundaries is an act of self-respect.

    When to Seek Support

    If you’re feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts or emotions, reach out. Whether it’s a trusted friend or a qualified therapist, talking through your experience can bring clarity and relief. You don’t have to go through this alone.

    A breakup can feel like an ending, but it can also be a beginning. A beginning of rediscovering who you are, what you value, and how deeply you deserve to be loved—starting with yourself.

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    📞 Ready to talk? Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy for support, guidance, and a safe space to heal.

    Visit: mirlenesantostherapy.com

  • How Your Early Attachment Style Shapes Your Adult Relationships

    How Your Early Attachment Style Shapes Your Adult Relationships

    By Mirlene Santos

    Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Why you crave closeness, avoid it, or both? The answer may lie in how you connected with your caregivers early in life. Our attachment style — the way we emotionally bond and relate to others — forms in childhood but often shapes our adult relationships in subtle and profound ways.

    What Are Attachment Styles?

    Attachment theory, first introduced by John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, explores how our early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others later in life. Bowlby described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

    Attachment styles refer to the ways we relate to others, especially in close relationships. They are formed in early childhood based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. There are four main styles:

    1. Secure Attachment

    Children with secure attachment see their caregiver as a safe base. They feel confident exploring the world, knowing they can return for comfort. As adults, they tend to have healthy, balanced relationships with the ability to trust and be vulnerable.

    2. Anxious Attachment

    These children become very distressed when a caregiver leaves and may seek contact but also resist it. They may be clingy or fearful of abandonment. In adulthood, this can lead to a strong need for reassurance, emotional highs and lows, and fear of rejection.

    3. Avoidant Attachment

    Avoidantly attached children show little reaction to a caregiver leaving or returning. They may suppress their need for closeness. As adults, they may struggle with emotional intimacy, avoid vulnerability, and appear distant or self-reliant.

    4. Disorganised Attachment

    This style is a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviours, often stemming from caregivers who were both a source of fear and comfort. Adults with this style may feel conflicted in relationships, struggling with both closeness and trust.

    How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

    Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available.

    Avoidant attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive.

    Anxious attachment forms when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.

    Disorganised attachment often forms in situations involving trauma, abuse, or chaotic caregiving.

    How Do Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships?

    Attachment styles can shape how we communicate, handle conflict, express needs, and connect emotionally in adult relationships:

    Secure adults tend to seek balanced, trusting, and supportive relationships.

    Anxiously attached adults may worry about being unloved, seek constant reassurance, and become emotionally overwhelmed.

    Avoidantly attached adults may downplay emotional needs, struggle with closeness, and avoid vulnerability.

    Disorganised adults may experience inner conflict—desiring closeness but fearing it at the same time.

    The good news? Attachment styles can evolve. With self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relational experiences, it is possible to move toward more secure ways of relating.

    Understanding your attachment style can empower you to break unhelpful patterns, deepen your relationships, and develop a stronger connection with yourself and others.

    If you’re curious about how your early experiences may be shaping your current relationships, Therapy can provide a safe, compassionate space to explore and grow.

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    📢 Ready to explore your attachment style in therapy?

    📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward healthier, more secure connections.

    📅 Book a session: mirlenesantostherapy.com

  • 4 Practical Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

    4 Practical Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

    Breakdowns in communication are often at the heart of why couples seek therapy. In the early stages of a relationship, especially during the honeymoon phase, communication can feel effortless. You finish each other’s sentences, pick up on subtle cues, and feel emotionally in sync. But as time goes on—and life brings work pressures, family demands, or simply routine—that connection can start to fray.

    What once felt like easy conversation may begin to feel fragmented or tense. Loving whispers can shift into sighs of frustration. When conflict escalates, couples often find themselves in repeated arguments, recycling old grievances, and becoming less interested in hearing one another.

    As a couple counsellor, I often witness the “tit-for-tat” dynamic where partners trade criticisms and seek to prove the other wrong. Sometimes, they even try to recruit the therapist to take their side. But couple counselling isn’t about blame or winning—it’s about rebuilding connection, fostering understanding, and learning how to communicate with care and intention.

    Here are four ways you can start improving communication with your partner—before you reach a breaking point:

    1. Create Space for Honest Conversations

    Set a regular time to check in with one another. This could be once a week or even a few minutes each day where you both agree to talk openly and without distractions. Choose a neutral setting, set a calm tone, and use this time to share feelings or concerns with the intention of strengthening your connection—not deepening divides.

    2. Practise Active Listening

    Try this simple but powerful exercise: take five minutes each to speak and listen. While one partner talks, the other listens silently—no interrupting, defending, or formulating responses. When the speaker finishes, the listener paraphrases what they heard and checks for understanding. Then swap roles. This practice can help both of you feel truly heard and validated.

    3. Use “I” Statements

    Not Blame Avoid starting sentences with “you always” or “you never,” as they often provoke defensiveness. Instead, say: “When X happens, I feel Y.” This shifts the focus to your emotional experience and invites your partner to understand your perspective, rather than defend themselves.

    4. Pause Before You React

    Before responding in the heat of the moment, take a breath and reflect. Are you about to say something hurtful or reactive, perhaps echoing patterns from your past? Communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s also about choosing words that come from empathy rather than autopilot. Speak with intention, not just impulse.

    Improving how you communicate is one of the most powerful ways to nurture a healthy, resilient relationship. Couple counselling can offer additional tools and support tailored to your unique dynamic.

    (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

    To book an appointment:📞 contact Mirlene Santos Therapy and start your next chapter together.

    Visit: mirlenesantostherapy.com