Fantasies are a natural, healthy part of our inner world — even when we’re in loving, committed relationships. But if you’ve ever had a fleeting (or recurring) sexual thought about someone else and felt confused, ashamed, or even guilty, you’re not alone.
In my work as a counsellor and psychosexual therapist, clients often whisper this question with a mix of curiosity and anxiety:
“Does this mean something’s wrong with me… or my relationship?”
Let’s explore this gently, together.
Fantasies Are Not Commitments
Fantasies are part of our imagination. They often live in the realm of possibility, curiosity, or play — not necessarily desire for real-life action. Thinking about someone else doesn’t mean you want to leave your partner, cheat, or change your values.
Our brains are storytellers. We can create vivid scenarios that excite, challenge, or even comfort us — especially in moments of boredom, stress, or low desire. And they don’t always mean something deeper is missing.
What Fantasies Might Be Saying
While not all fantasies need decoding, sometimes they reflect emotional or relational needs we haven’t fully named, like:
Wanting to feel desired or powerful
Craving novelty or adventure
Longing for more emotional closeness
Feeling unacknowledged or unseen in our current relationship
This doesn’t mean your partner is doing something “wrong” — it simply means you’re human, and your mind may be trying to communicate with you in subtle ways.
Should I Tell My Partner?
That depends — not all thoughts need to be shared. But if fantasies are starting to affect your connection, or if you’re feeling emotionally distant or unsatisfied, it might be a gentle nudge toward an open conversation.
You don’t need to share the fantasy itself in detail. Instead, you might say:
“I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I’d love for us to find ways to feel closer.”
“I think I’m craving more intimacy or spontaneity — how do you feel about that?”
Therapy can help create a safe space for these conversations, especially when vulnerability feels hard to hold alone.
In psychosexual therapy, we explore fantasies not to pathologise them, but to understand what they may offer, reveal, or soothe. This space is confidential, non-judgmental, and affirming.
Together, we can gently look at:
What role fantasy plays in your sexual identity
Whether it enhances or interferes with intimacy
How to communicate about desire with honesty and compassion
Fantasising about someone else doesn’t mean you’re broken, disloyal, or emotionally unavailable. It just means you’re human — with a rich, complex inner life.
When approached with curiosity (not shame), fantasies can even become a bridge toward deeper understanding, pleasure, and connection.
(Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)
mirlenesantostherapy.com
Mirlene Santos 