Mirlene Santos

Tag: depression

  • What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    What Causes Performance Anxiety During Sex?

    Many people search online asking:

    “Why can’t I perform in bed?”
    “Why do I feel anxious during sex?”
    “Why does this keep happening even when I want intimacy?”

    Performance anxiety during sex is far more common than most people realise — and it can affect people of all genders, ages, and relationship stages.

    It can be confusing and distressing, especially when desire is present but the body does not respond as expected.

    What is performance anxiety?

    Performance anxiety occurs when sexual experiences become dominated by worry, pressure, or fear of failure.

    Instead of being present in the moment, the mind becomes focused on:

    • whether the body will respond
    • whether you are pleasing your partner
    • fear of losing arousal
    • fear of judgement or disappointment

    This anxiety activates the body’s stress response — the opposite state needed for sexual arousal.

    Why anxiety affects sexual response

    Sexual arousal requires relaxation, safety, and blood flow.

    When anxiety is present, the nervous system moves into fight-or-flight mode, redirecting blood flow away from sexual organs and toward survival functions.

    This means the issue is not lack of desire — but a physiological stress response.

    The more someone tries to “make it work,” the more pressure increases, and the cycle can continue.

    Common causes of performance anxiety

    1. Fear of failure

    Past experiences of difficulty, embarrassment, or disappointment can create ongoing fear that the same thing will happen again.

    Even one experience can be enough for anxiety to develop.

    2. Negative sexual messages

    Cultural expectations, unrealistic media portrayals, pornography, or early messages about sex can create beliefs such as:

    • “I must always perform”
    • “I should always be ready”
    • “Something is wrong if my body doesn’t respond”

    These beliefs increase pressure and self-criticism.

    3. Relationship stress

    Conflict, emotional distance, unresolved resentment, or fear of disappointing a partner can directly affect sexual confidence.

    4. Spectatoring

    This occurs when someone mentally “steps outside” the experience and monitors themselves instead of being present.

    Thoughts such as:

    • “Am I doing this right?”
    • “Is it working?”
    • “What if I fail again?”

    pull attention away from sensation and intimacy.

    5. Past relational or sexual trauma

    Previous experiences of betrayal, criticism, rejection, or trauma can impact the body’s sense of safety during intimacy — even when there is no conscious fear.

    6. Stress, fatigue, alcohol, or lifestyle factors

    Work stress, exhaustion, alcohol use, and physical health can all affect arousal and confidence, especially when combined with anxiety.

    Why reassurance alone doesn’t fix it

    Many people are told:
    “Just relax.”
    “Don’t think about it.”
    “It’s all in your head.”

    Unfortunately, these statements often increase shame.

    Performance anxiety is not about willpower — it is about understanding how the mind, body, and emotions interact.

    How psychosexual therapy can help

    Psychosexual therapy provides a safe, verbal, and non-judgmental space to explore:

    • anxiety and pressure around performance
    • beliefs about sex and masculinity/femininity
    • fear, shame, or self-criticism
    • relationship dynamics
    • attachment and emotional safety
    • ways to shift focus from performance to connection

    The work is always verbal — there is no physical touch — and is tailored to your pace and comfort.

    Many clients find that once pressure is reduced and understanding increases, confidence and responsiveness naturally improve.

    You are not broken

    Performance anxiety does not mean something is wrong with you.

    It means your nervous system is responding to pressure, fear, or past experience — and those responses can be understood and gently worked with.

    With support, many people learn to reconnect with intimacy in a way that feels calmer, more confident, and more authentic.

    If you are struggling with performance anxiety, you are not alone — and help is available.

    Sometimes the first step is simply understanding what’s really happening beneath the anxiety.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

  • Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Why Desire Disappears in Long-Term Relationships

    Many couples come to therapy saying the same thing:

    “We love each other… but the desire has gone.”

    When sexual desire changes or fades in a long-term relationship, it can feel confusing, painful, and deeply personal. People often worry that something is “wrong” with them, their partner, or the relationship itself.

    In reality, changes in desire are extremely common — and rarely about lack of love or attraction.

    Desire is not constant

    One of the biggest myths about relationships is that desire should remain the same over time.

    In the early stages of a relationship, novelty, excitement, and uncertainty often fuel strong sexual energy. As relationships become safer and more familiar, desire naturally shifts. This doesn’t mean intimacy is lost — it means it changes.

    Long-term relationships ask desire to coexist with routine, responsibility, emotional history, and real life.

    Common reasons desire fades

    1. Emotional disconnection

    Desire often depends on emotional closeness. When communication becomes strained, resentment builds, or conflicts remain unresolved, the body may respond by withdrawing sexually — even when love is still present.

    2. Stress and mental load

    Work pressure, parenting, financial worries, health concerns, and emotional exhaustion all affect desire. When the nervous system is in survival mode, sexual interest often takes a back seat.

    Desire requires space, safety, and energy — not pressure.

    3. Performance anxiety and expectation

    Over time, sex can begin to feel predictable or pressured. Thoughts such as “we should be having sex more” or “something is wrong with us” can turn intimacy into a task rather than a shared experience.

    Pressure often blocks desire rather than creating it.

    4. Attachment patterns

    For some people, closeness increases desire; for others, too much closeness can feel overwhelming. Differences in attachment styles — such as anxious and avoidant patterns — can affect how intimacy is experienced within long-term relationships.

    This often leads to cycles of pursuit and withdrawal.

    5. Changes in the body and hormones

    Hormonal changes, medication, health conditions, ageing, and life transitions can all influence libido. These are physiological experiences — not personal failures — yet many people carry unnecessary shame around them.

    Desire is responsive, not spontaneous

    Many people expect desire to appear “out of nowhere.”

    In long-term relationships, desire is often responsive, meaning it develops after connection, touch, safety, and emotional presence — not before.

    Waiting to feel desire before intimacy can sometimes keep couples stuck.

    What helps restore desire

    Desire rarely returns through pressure or forcing change. Instead, it grows through:

    • emotional safety
    • curiosity rather than blame
    • open communication
    • slowing down intimacy
    • shifting focus from performance to connection
    • understanding each partner’s experience

    Psychosexual therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics safely, verbally, and respectfully — without physical touch — helping couples and individuals understand what may be blocking desire and how intimacy can be rebuilt in a way that feels authentic.

    Desire changing does not mean the relationship has failed

    Loss of desire does not mean you have chosen the wrong partner or that intimacy is over.

    Often, it is an invitation to understand yourselves — and each other — more deeply.

    With support, many couples discover new ways of connecting that feel more honest, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling than before.

    If you are experiencing changes in desire within your relationship, you are not alone — and support is available.

    Sometimes, desire doesn’t disappear.
    It simply needs understanding, safety, and space to return.

    Mirlene Santos Therapy — Integrative Counselling | Specialising in Psychosexual Therapy
    Registered Member MBACP

      https://www.instagram.com/mirlene_santos_therapy?igsh=eGZqaWZhZXB6eDg0&utm_source=qr

    • Is Your Relationship Missing Erotica and Companionship? Here’s Why It Matters

      Is Your Relationship Missing Erotica and Companionship? Here’s Why It Matters

      When we talk about intimacy in relationships, our minds often jump to physical connection. But true intimacy runs much deeper, and two of its most crucial – yet often overlooked – elements are erotica and companionship. These two forces can make the difference between a relationship that merely survives and one that truly thrives.

      The Power of Companionship

      Companionship is the bedrock of any long-term relationship. It’s the warm familiarity that comes from sharing life’s ups and downs, being there for each other, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It’s about deep friendship, shared memories, and the comfort of knowing someone has your back.

      But even in the closest of partnerships, companionship alone can fall short if the relationship lacks a sense of erotic connection. Without it, partners can end up feeling more like roommates than lovers.

      Keeping Erotica Alive in Long-Term Relationships

      Erotica isn’t just about physical sex. It’s about the spark, the thrill, and the emotional charge that keeps a relationship alive. It’s the playful, passionate side of love – the side that whispers “I still desire you” in the midst of daily routines and long to-do lists.

      Long-term relationships often struggle to maintain this spark. Responsibilities, stress, and routine can dull even the strongest bonds. But with a little intentional effort, couples can reignite that flame and rediscover their passion for each other.

      Beyond the Bedroom

      Erotica doesn’t only live between the sheets. It’s in the small touches, the lingering glances, and the meaningful conversations that build anticipation and deepen emotional connection. It’s in the freedom to express desires, explore fantasies, and see each other through fresh eyes.

      It can also mean rediscovering the playful, uninhibited versions of ourselves – the ones who first fell in love, shared meaningful moments, and connected in ways that felt new and exciting.

      Finding the Spark Again

      For couples who feel the fire has faded, it’s never too late to reignite the spark. This can mean setting aside dedicated time for each other, trying new things together, or even seeking the guidance of a therapist to help break old patterns and rediscover the passion that first brought you together.

      Remember, a relationship without both companionship and erotic connection can lose its vibrancy and depth over time. Nurturing both elements can help couples feel more connected, satisfied, and valued in their relationships.

      Ready to Rediscover the Passion in Your Relationship?

      If you’re ready to explore how to reconnect with your partner on a deeper, more passionate level, consider booking a session with a psychosexual therapist. Psychosexual therapy can help couples rediscover intimacy, improve communication, and break unhelpful relationship patterns in a confidential and non-judgmental space.

      However, it is important to note that psychosexual therapy does not replace medical treatment. Clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or appropriate healthcare professionals for any physical or medical concerns.

      Additionally, psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy and never involves physical touch as part of treatment. This approach is based on evidence-based psychological support, ensuring the highest professional standards and boundaries for client safety.

      Remember, your relationship deserves more than just survival – it deserves to thrive.

      Written by Mirlene Santos

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • Who Am I Now? Exploring Identity in Midlife and Relationships

      Who Am I Now? Exploring Identity in Midlife and Relationships

      There comes a moment — often quiet, sometimes sudden — when you pause and ask yourself:

      “Who am I now?”

      It might happen while staring at your reflection in the bathroom mirror, walking alone after a heated conversation, or lying awake at night with a gnawing restlessness you can’t quite name.

      Midlife can be a time of transition, reevaluation, and deep emotional questioning — especially for women navigating menopause, shifting roles, or changing dynamics in their relationships.

      This is not a breakdown.

      It’s a breakthrough.

      Identity Isn’t Fixed — It Evolves

      Many women spend decades being everything for everyone — the reliable partner, the hands-on parent, the dependable friend, the strong professional. But somewhere along the way, parts of ourselves can go quiet.

      Midlife invites those parts to speak again.

      This stage often brings with it:

      Hormonal and physical changes (like perimenopause and menopause)

      Emotional shifts (questioning long-held beliefs or values)

      Sexual identity exploration

      Changes in intimacy and desire

      Grief or letting go (of youth, past relationships, old roles)

      These are not signs of crisis. They’re signs of becoming.

      “I Don’t Recognise Myself Anymore…”

      If you’ve found yourself saying things like:

      “I used to enjoy that… why don’t I anymore?”

      “My body feels different, and so do I.”

      “I’m not sure what I want from my relationship.”

      “I’m craving something, but I don’t know what.”

      You’re not alone.

      These questions are an invitation to reconnect — not just with others, but with yourself. Therapy can offer a space where you don’t have to have all the answers. You can simply explore what’s true for you now.

      Relationships Can Shift Too

      As you change, your relationships may need to evolve too. You might find yourself:

      Wanting deeper emotional connection

      Feeling disconnected from a partner or old friends

      Exploring sexuality in new ways

      Reconsidering boundaries, values, or expectations

      This can feel unsettling — but also empowering. You’re allowed to outgrow roles or labels that no longer fit. You’re allowed to ask for more.

      In therapy, we can explore:

      Who you are today vs. who you were expected to be

      How life transitions are shaping your self-perception

      What you long for — emotionally, relationally, sexually

      How to reconnect with confidence, pleasure, and purpose

      This is your time. A time to soften into yourself, to meet the new version of you with compassion, and to say:

      “Welcome back.”

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      Written by Mirlene Santos

      mirlenesantostherapy.info

    • Is It Normal to Fantasise About Other People?

      Is It Normal to Fantasise About Other People?

      Fantasies are a natural, healthy part of our inner world — even when we’re in loving, committed relationships. But if you’ve ever had a fleeting (or recurring) sexual thought about someone else and felt confused, ashamed, or even guilty, you’re not alone.

      In my work as a counsellor and psychosexual therapist, clients often whisper this question with a mix of curiosity and anxiety:

      “Does this mean something’s wrong with me… or my relationship?”

      Let’s explore this gently, together.

      Fantasies Are Not Commitments

      Fantasies are part of our imagination. They often live in the realm of possibility, curiosity, or play — not necessarily desire for real-life action. Thinking about someone else doesn’t mean you want to leave your partner, cheat, or change your values.

      Our brains are storytellers. We can create vivid scenarios that excite, challenge, or even comfort us — especially in moments of boredom, stress, or low desire. And they don’t always mean something deeper is missing.

      What Fantasies Might Be Saying

      While not all fantasies need decoding, sometimes they reflect emotional or relational needs we haven’t fully named, like:

      Wanting to feel desired or powerful

      Craving novelty or adventure

      Longing for more emotional closeness

      Feeling unacknowledged or unseen in our current relationship

      This doesn’t mean your partner is doing something “wrong” — it simply means you’re human, and your mind may be trying to communicate with you in subtle ways.

      Should I Tell My Partner?

      That depends — not all thoughts need to be shared. But if fantasies are starting to affect your connection, or if you’re feeling emotionally distant or unsatisfied, it might be a gentle nudge toward an open conversation.

      You don’t need to share the fantasy itself in detail. Instead, you might say:

      “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I’d love for us to find ways to feel closer.”

      “I think I’m craving more intimacy or spontaneity — how do you feel about that?”

      Therapy can help create a safe space for these conversations, especially when vulnerability feels hard to hold alone.

      In psychosexual therapy, we explore fantasies not to pathologise them, but to understand what they may offer, reveal, or soothe. This space is confidential, non-judgmental, and affirming.

      Together, we can gently look at:

      What role fantasy plays in your sexual identity

      Whether it enhances or interferes with intimacy

      How to communicate about desire with honesty and compassion

      Fantasising about someone else doesn’t mean you’re broken, disloyal, or emotionally unavailable. It just means you’re human — with a rich, complex inner life.

      When approached with curiosity (not shame), fantasies can even become a bridge toward deeper understanding, pleasure, and connection.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      How to Say ‘I Need More’ Without Hurting Your Partner

      It’s one of the hardest things to say in a relationship:

      “I need more.”

      More time, more closeness, more intimacy, more touch, more reassurance.

      Not because the need is wrong — but because we’re afraid it might hurt the person we love. That they’ll hear it as:

      “You’re not enough.”

      “You’re failing.”

      “I’m not happy with you.”

      But expressing needs doesn’t have to create distance. In fact, when done with kindness and clarity, it can bring couples closer — emotionally and physically.

      Why It’s So Hard to Ask for More

      Many of us were never taught how to ask for what we need in relationships. Maybe we learned to “keep the peace,” to not “rock the boat,” or to believe that needing anything at all made us too much.

      So we stay silent. Or we drop hints. Or we let resentment slowly build until it spills out sideways — in irritation, withdrawal, or tears.

      But your needs matter. Especially in long-term relationships, where life’s routines can dull the spark or where emotional disconnection can sneak in quietly.

      Start with Your Feelings, Not Their Flaws

      When sharing something sensitive, like needing more affection or intimacy, it helps to come from your experience, not their behaviour.

      Try starting with:

      “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately…”

      “I really miss being close with you…”

      “I’ve been needing more touch, but I wasn’t sure how to say it…”

      This reduces the chance your partner will feel blamed or criticised — and invites them into the conversation rather than putting them on the defence.

      Frame It as a Team Effort

      Let your partner know that you’re in this together. You’re not pointing fingers — you’re reaching out.

      You might say:

      “I’d love for us to work on this as a couple.”

      “Is this something you’ve been feeling too?”

      “What would feel good for you when it comes to closeness or connection?”

      This opens up a two-way dialogue and shows that their needs matter too.

      What “More” Really Means

      Often, “more” isn’t just about sex or physical touch. It can mean:

      More emotional availability

      More quality time

      More presence during conversations

      More playful moments

      More verbal affection

      It’s okay to be specific. Vague requests often go unanswered — not out of neglect, but out of confusion. Being clear helps you both feel empowered.

      When Therapy Helps

      Sometimes these conversations feel too hard to start on your own — especially if there’s been a long-standing disconnect or unspoken tension. That’s where therapy can help.

      In psychosexual therapy, we create a safe, respectful space to explore intimacy, desire, emotional needs, and communication. It’s not about placing blame — it’s about understanding each other better and finding a new rhythm together.

      Final Thoughts

      Saying “I need more” is not a criticism — it’s a sign that you care enough to reach out. That you’re choosing vulnerability instead of silence.

      And that kind of honesty, when held gently, can become the foundation for deeper connection.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

      Can I Survive a Relationship Without Intimacy?

      Short answer?

      Yes — but it depends on how you define intimacy, and what both of you need to feel emotionally nourished.

      What Is Intimacy?

      Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It can be emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or physical. In healthy relationships, intimacy is about connection, closeness, and feeling seen.

      Some couples thrive with little to no sexual intimacy — but they often stay connected in other meaningful ways, such as:

      Deep, open conversations

      Shared values and goals

      Emotional safety and vulnerability

      Non-sexual touch (if desired)

      Shared routines or laughter

      When intimacy fades, it often brings a sense of distance — but what kind of intimacy is missing matters.

      Are you missing sexual connection?

      Or are you craving emotional presence and closeness?

      Do you feel lonely even when your partner is beside you?

      Exploring these questions — alone or in therapy — can help you understand whether your relationship is still nurturing you, or whether something vital is missing.

      A Gentle Reminder

      You deserve a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are acknowledged, respected, and explored — at your pace, with compassion.

      ✨ Intimacy isn’t one-size-fits-all.

      With open communication, curiosity, and care, couples can redefine what closeness means to them.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      Ready to explore your relationship needs in a safe and supportive space?

      📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward emotional and relational wellbeing.

      🌐 mirlenesantostherapy.wordpress.com

    • Rebuilding After a Breakup: How to Heal and Restore Your Self-Worth

      Rebuilding After a Breakup: How to Heal and Restore Your Self-Worth

      Breakups can shake us to our core. When a relationship ends, it often feels like the foundation of your life has been ripped away. It’s not just the loss of a partner—it’s the loss of identity, of routine, of shared dreams. You may find yourself asking painful questions: Who am I without this relationship? Was it all my fault? Am I still lovable?

      These thoughts are normal, but they are not facts. The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of your worth. In fact, breakups can be an opportunity to reconnect with who you truly are—independent of anyone else.

      A Broken Heart Is Not a Broken Person

      When a relationship becomes central to our identity, its loss can feel like personal failure. But the pain you feel is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that you loved, invested, and cared deeply. That says something beautiful about your capacity to connect.

      Think of the breakup as a rupture, not a collapse. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t feel like your entire body had failed. You would focus on healing the broken part. Apply that same logic to your emotional well-being. What you’re experiencing now is a wound—painful, yes, but not permanent. And definitely not a definition of your worth.

      You Are Not Damaged Goods

      It’s easy to dwell on perceived failures after a breakup, but the truth is: you are still whole. You are still worthy of love, friendship, joy, and connection. You may have been hurt, but you are not broken. You may feel rejected, but that does not mean you are unlovable.

      Your story didn’t end with this relationship—a new chapter is beginning.

      Building Your Self-Worth After a Breakup

      Some people believe confidence is something you’re born with—but it can absolutely be learned. Even if you feel low right now, there are ways to begin rebuilding your sense of self. Here are five small but powerful steps:

      1. Be Kind to Yourself

      Learn what brings you joy and what matters most to you. Stop comparing yourself to others or measuring your worth through someone else’s lens.

      2. Challenge Your Inner Critic

      When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” pause and ask: Is this true? Would I say this to a friend? Replace self-judgment with self-compassion.

      3. Take Care of Your Body and Mind

      Eat nourishing food, move your body, get enough rest, and limit alcohol or other substances. These actions signal to yourself that you are worth caring for.

      4. Notice the Good

      Celebrate small wins. Accept compliments without deflecting. Make a habit of writing down one thing you like about yourself each day.

      5. Practice Assertiveness

      Don’t feel pressured to say yes to everything. Check in with yourself first. Building boundaries is an act of self-respect.

      When to Seek Support

      If you’re feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts or emotions, reach out. Whether it’s a trusted friend or a qualified therapist, talking through your experience can bring clarity and relief. You don’t have to go through this alone.

      A breakup can feel like an ending, but it can also be a beginning. A beginning of rediscovering who you are, what you value, and how deeply you deserve to be loved—starting with yourself.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      📞 Ready to talk? Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy for support, guidance, and a safe space to heal.

      Visit: mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • How Your Early Attachment Style Shapes Your Adult Relationships

      How Your Early Attachment Style Shapes Your Adult Relationships

      By Mirlene Santos

      Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Why you crave closeness, avoid it, or both? The answer may lie in how you connected with your caregivers early in life. Our attachment style — the way we emotionally bond and relate to others — forms in childhood but often shapes our adult relationships in subtle and profound ways.

      What Are Attachment Styles?

      Attachment theory, first introduced by John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, explores how our early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others later in life. Bowlby described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

      Attachment styles refer to the ways we relate to others, especially in close relationships. They are formed in early childhood based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. There are four main styles:

      1. Secure Attachment

      Children with secure attachment see their caregiver as a safe base. They feel confident exploring the world, knowing they can return for comfort. As adults, they tend to have healthy, balanced relationships with the ability to trust and be vulnerable.

      2. Anxious Attachment

      These children become very distressed when a caregiver leaves and may seek contact but also resist it. They may be clingy or fearful of abandonment. In adulthood, this can lead to a strong need for reassurance, emotional highs and lows, and fear of rejection.

      3. Avoidant Attachment

      Avoidantly attached children show little reaction to a caregiver leaving or returning. They may suppress their need for closeness. As adults, they may struggle with emotional intimacy, avoid vulnerability, and appear distant or self-reliant.

      4. Disorganised Attachment

      This style is a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviours, often stemming from caregivers who were both a source of fear and comfort. Adults with this style may feel conflicted in relationships, struggling with both closeness and trust.

      How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

      Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available.

      Avoidant attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive.

      Anxious attachment forms when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.

      Disorganised attachment often forms in situations involving trauma, abuse, or chaotic caregiving.

      How Do Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships?

      Attachment styles can shape how we communicate, handle conflict, express needs, and connect emotionally in adult relationships:

      Secure adults tend to seek balanced, trusting, and supportive relationships.

      Anxiously attached adults may worry about being unloved, seek constant reassurance, and become emotionally overwhelmed.

      Avoidantly attached adults may downplay emotional needs, struggle with closeness, and avoid vulnerability.

      Disorganised adults may experience inner conflict—desiring closeness but fearing it at the same time.

      The good news? Attachment styles can evolve. With self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relational experiences, it is possible to move toward more secure ways of relating.

      Understanding your attachment style can empower you to break unhelpful patterns, deepen your relationships, and develop a stronger connection with yourself and others.

      If you’re curious about how your early experiences may be shaping your current relationships, Therapy can provide a safe, compassionate space to explore and grow.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      📢 Ready to explore your attachment style in therapy?

      📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward healthier, more secure connections.

      📅 Book a session: mirlenesantostherapy.com

    • 4 Practical Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

      4 Practical Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

      Breakdowns in communication are often at the heart of why couples seek therapy. In the early stages of a relationship, especially during the honeymoon phase, communication can feel effortless. You finish each other’s sentences, pick up on subtle cues, and feel emotionally in sync. But as time goes on—and life brings work pressures, family demands, or simply routine—that connection can start to fray.

      What once felt like easy conversation may begin to feel fragmented or tense. Loving whispers can shift into sighs of frustration. When conflict escalates, couples often find themselves in repeated arguments, recycling old grievances, and becoming less interested in hearing one another.

      As a couple counsellor, I often witness the “tit-for-tat” dynamic where partners trade criticisms and seek to prove the other wrong. Sometimes, they even try to recruit the therapist to take their side. But couple counselling isn’t about blame or winning—it’s about rebuilding connection, fostering understanding, and learning how to communicate with care and intention.

      Here are four ways you can start improving communication with your partner—before you reach a breaking point:

      1. Create Space for Honest Conversations

      Set a regular time to check in with one another. This could be once a week or even a few minutes each day where you both agree to talk openly and without distractions. Choose a neutral setting, set a calm tone, and use this time to share feelings or concerns with the intention of strengthening your connection—not deepening divides.

      2. Practise Active Listening

      Try this simple but powerful exercise: take five minutes each to speak and listen. While one partner talks, the other listens silently—no interrupting, defending, or formulating responses. When the speaker finishes, the listener paraphrases what they heard and checks for understanding. Then swap roles. This practice can help both of you feel truly heard and validated.

      3. Use “I” Statements

      Not Blame Avoid starting sentences with “you always” or “you never,” as they often provoke defensiveness. Instead, say: “When X happens, I feel Y.” This shifts the focus to your emotional experience and invites your partner to understand your perspective, rather than defend themselves.

      4. Pause Before You React

      Before responding in the heat of the moment, take a breath and reflect. Are you about to say something hurtful or reactive, perhaps echoing patterns from your past? Communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s also about choosing words that come from empathy rather than autopilot. Speak with intention, not just impulse.

      Improving how you communicate is one of the most powerful ways to nurture a healthy, resilient relationship. Couple counselling can offer additional tools and support tailored to your unique dynamic.

      (Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

      To book an appointment:📞 contact Mirlene Santos Therapy and start your next chapter together.

      Visit: mirlenesantostherapy.com