How Your Early Attachment Style Shapes Your Adult Relationships

By Mirlene Santos

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Why you crave closeness, avoid it, or both? The answer may lie in how you connected with your caregivers early in life. Our attachment style — the way we emotionally bond and relate to others — forms in childhood but often shapes our adult relationships in subtle and profound ways.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, first introduced by John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s, explores how our early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others later in life. Bowlby described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

Attachment styles refer to the ways we relate to others, especially in close relationships. They are formed in early childhood based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. There are four main styles:

1. Secure Attachment

Children with secure attachment see their caregiver as a safe base. They feel confident exploring the world, knowing they can return for comfort. As adults, they tend to have healthy, balanced relationships with the ability to trust and be vulnerable.

2. Anxious Attachment

These children become very distressed when a caregiver leaves and may seek contact but also resist it. They may be clingy or fearful of abandonment. In adulthood, this can lead to a strong need for reassurance, emotional highs and lows, and fear of rejection.

3. Avoidant Attachment

Avoidantly attached children show little reaction to a caregiver leaving or returning. They may suppress their need for closeness. As adults, they may struggle with emotional intimacy, avoid vulnerability, and appear distant or self-reliant.

4. Disorganised Attachment

This style is a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviours, often stemming from caregivers who were both a source of fear and comfort. Adults with this style may feel conflicted in relationships, struggling with both closeness and trust.

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available.

Avoidant attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive.

Anxious attachment forms when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.

Disorganised attachment often forms in situations involving trauma, abuse, or chaotic caregiving.

How Do Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships?

Attachment styles can shape how we communicate, handle conflict, express needs, and connect emotionally in adult relationships:

Secure adults tend to seek balanced, trusting, and supportive relationships.

Anxiously attached adults may worry about being unloved, seek constant reassurance, and become emotionally overwhelmed.

Avoidantly attached adults may downplay emotional needs, struggle with closeness, and avoid vulnerability.

Disorganised adults may experience inner conflict—desiring closeness but fearing it at the same time.

The good news? Attachment styles can evolve. With self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relational experiences, it is possible to move toward more secure ways of relating.

Understanding your attachment style can empower you to break unhelpful patterns, deepen your relationships, and develop a stronger connection with yourself and others.

If you’re curious about how your early experiences may be shaping your current relationships, Therapy can provide a safe, compassionate space to explore and grow.

(Psychosexual therapy is a specialised form of talking therapy that focuses on emotional, relational, and psychological well-being. It does not involve physical touch, and all interventions are strictly verbal. This approach adheres to high professional standards, ensuring the safety, respect, and dignity of all clients. Please note that psychosexual therapy is not a substitute for medical treatment. For any physical or medical concerns, clients are encouraged to seek advice from their GP or an appropriate healthcare professional.)

📢 Ready to explore your attachment style in therapy?

📞 Contact Mirlene Santos Therapy to start your journey toward healthier, more secure connections.

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